The Gospel According to Matty Part 2

Then the Legend was led by his old man’s ghost into a stinking hot desert.

Out there, he was gunna be tempted to stuff up by a bloke called Satan. This bloke, also known as the Turd, used to be on good terms with the Legend’s old man, but then they had a major blue.

The Legend wanted to show his old man he was fair dinkum about doing a decent job in whatever was up next. So he didn’t have so much as a sniff of a pie or a lager for about a month and a half. Needless to say, by that time, he was keen for a feed. That’s when the Turd showed up.

He said, “If you’re me old mate’s boy, turn these rocks into bread and have a bit of toast”. The Legend came back at him, “It’s in the old man’s book: You don’t just live on bread, but on everything me old man’s got to say”.

Then the Turd took him up to the city where everyone wanted to get a bit of real estate. Stuck him up on the steeple of a top-notch church. Said chuck yourself off here, then started quotin’ at him, chapter and verse: “Your old man will get a bunch of angels to throw down a trampoline so you don’t even stub your toe”.

The Legend had none of that: “You wanna quote the old boy, here’s one for ya: Don’t tell me old man what to do . . . he’s the boss”.

The Turd wouldn’t give up. Took Jesus up to the top of a mountain and showed him every country and city in the world. The whole kit. “I’ll give you this lot if you cheer your guts out for me for the rest of your life”.

The Legend said, “Piss off, Turd! The old boy’s book says, ‘Cheer your guts out for God, yep, me old man, and only do what he wants’”.

Then the Turd buggered off and a heap of angels turned up and gave the Legend a pat on the back and a rub down and said you’ll be right, don’t worry about him.

When the Legend got back he found out Johnny the Bappo had been chucked in the joint. So the Legend knicked off home to Galilee. He went and bunked down near a lake, not far from Zebulun and Naphtali. Which was just what Isaiah pencilled into the old man’s book: “Hey, Zebulun and Naphtali, you mob on the way to the sea, just near the Jordan River . . . yep, Galilee where everyone’s as blind as a badger when it comes to finding out about the Legend. You lot have seen a ruddy great light”.

After that, the Legend started to let everyone know they had to get sorted, cos the kingdom of heaven was as close as a barber’s shave. The Legend was out strolling near the Sea of Galilee when he saw a couple of brothers, Simmo (nicknamed Pete) and Andy. They were pro fishermen so they were there chucking their nets in the water.

“Oi, come over here and hang out with me”, the Legend said to em. “I’ll have you fishing for men, thanks very much”. And the two of them chucked their nets down and jumped straight to it.

The three of them headed off. They bumped into another couple of brothers, Jimmy and Johnno, who were in their boat with their old man, Zed, getting the nets ready for the day. The Legend sung out to them and they hopped out of the boat and knicked off with him. Left old Zed sitting on the pine seat.

The Legend went all over the shop. Around Galilee, giving everyone the mail about the kingdom of heaven and fixing anyone who was crook. Word of these goings on got all around Syria, so the next thing you know everyone was bringin cripples and people totally off their trees to the Legend. And he fixed the lot of them. It was like the gallery at the Australian Open golf: people from everywhere were trotting behind Jesus wherever he went.