The Gospel According Matty Part 1

Back then, Johnny the bappo was hangin round the desert. He was yellin at the top of his lungs, “Sort yourselves out, cos the kingdom of heaven is only a bee’s dick away”.

I reckon Johnny was a bit like Isaiah who sang out: Gett outta the way, cos the boss of the whole set up is gunna turn up.

Johnny was a bit of a loon. His gear was camel hair and he ate insects with a bit of honey to sweeten ‘em up. But everyone from Jerusalem and Judea got themselves down to the Jordan River, told him they wanted to get sorted out. Then he dunked ‘em under water to show ‘em they were on the right track.

But he saw all types of religious goons turnin’ up and he got a bit fierce. He said, “You’re a mob of pricks. Who told you the shit was gunnna hit the fan? Act like you’re sorted out.

“And don’t think for a minute you can rest on your laurels and say Abraham’s ya old man. The Legend can take these rocks here and make ‘em into Abraham’s kids. If you don’t get yourselves sorted out, he’s gunna kick you in the arse.

“I stick this water over your noggins to sort you out. But a bloke’s gunna turn up who shits all over me. I’d be ashamed to even carry his esky. He’ll baptise ya with the Legend, fire ya right up. Put it this way: he picks the decent stuff out of the garden (I’m talkin’ about you religious goons, if you don’t know), but he’s got his box of matches in his hand and he’s gunna bang all the dead wood into the incinerator and let it rip.”

Then Jesus, the Legend himself, turned up from his hometown and said he wanted Johnny to sort him out and dunk him under water, too. Johnny said, “I need you to do that caper for me, and you’re wanting me to sort you out . . . “

Jesus said, “We’ll do it like this for now. It’s the idea, you know, so we can make sure everything’s done the right way”.

Johnny said fair enough then and stuck Jesus under the water. When Jesus came up for air, Johnny saw heaven crack open and the Legend’s Spirit sit on Jesus’s noggin like a dove.

And there was a big shout from somewhere: “This is me lad, I love him; and I’m really wrapped with the job he’s doing so far”.