The Gospel According to Matty Part 3

There was a big crowd, as always, so Jesus hoyked himself down on a mountainside. His best mates came up and sat down to get the good oil from him. And he gave ‘em this yarn:

“You’re set up for life when you know that underneath you’re a loser,

cos then the kingdom of heaven is all yours.

You’re set up for life, too, when you’re bawling your eyes out

cos you’ll get patted on the shoulders.

You’re set when you haven’t got a ‘big head’

cos the whole planet will be in the bag for ya.

“When you want to do the right thing so much

it feels like you’re starving and as dry as a burnt cactus,

you’ll end up chockers.

If you cut people slack, you’ll get cut slack, too.

When you’re as clean as a whistle on the inside

you’ll get to see me Old Man, face-to-face.

You’re set up for life, too, if you sort out barneys

cos you’ll be called a son or daughter of the Old Man.

And if you get belted about for doing the right thing

the kingdom of heaven’s still all yours, don’t worry about that.

“You’re set up when people call you a wanker, give you a hiding,

bully you or talk crap about you because of me: Have a party

because you’ve got a bucket load of treats in heaven for that. I’m tellin’ ya, it’s always the same: they got stuck into the Old Man’s crew in the old days, too.

“Whack a little bit of salt on your spuds when you cook them and they taste tops. You lot are the salt of the earth; you can make everything and everybody taste spot on, if you get my drift. But if your salt loses its tang you can’t get it back, you may as well chuck it out with your potato peel.

“You lot are the light of the world. Have a look at Melbourne at night when you’re steaming in from Ballarat. Or Sydney heading up the Hume. You can’t not see the CBD. And if you turn on your torch when you’re out spotlighting with your mates, you don’t belt it up your jumper so you can’t see where you’re going. Just like that, do the right thing in front of everyone. People will see, don’t worry – and they’ll say the Old Man’s tops.

“Don’t think for a minute I’ve come to chuck out the Jewish Law or the Prophets that sang out about the Old Man for ages. I haven’t come to rub them out; I’ve come to do what they said. I’ll give you the mail: ‘Til heaven and earth fall over, not one iota will get rubbed out of the Law until everything’s sorted. Even if you squib on one bit of the Law – and make other people think it’s pretty clever to copy you – you’ll be bottom rung in the kingdom of heaven. But if you do what it says – and get others to do it, too – you’ll be top notch in the kingdom of heaven.

Let me give it to you straight: unless you can be – and do – the right thing better than the biggest goody two shoes you can think of, you’ve got Buckley’s of getting into the kingdom of heaven. Alright?

The Gospel According to Matty Part 2

Then the Legend was led by his old man’s ghost into a stinking hot desert.

Out there, he was gunna be tempted to stuff up by a bloke called Satan. This bloke, also known as the Turd, used to be on good terms with the Legend’s old man, but then they had a major blue.

The Legend wanted to show his old man he was fair dinkum about doing a decent job in whatever was up next. So he didn’t have so much as a sniff of a pie or a lager for about a month and a half. Needless to say, by that time, he was keen for a feed. That’s when the Turd showed up.

He said, “If you’re me old mate’s boy, turn these rocks into bread and have a bit of toast”. The Legend came back at him, “It’s in the old man’s book: You don’t just live on bread, but on everything me old man’s got to say”.

Then the Turd took him up to the city where everyone wanted to get a bit of real estate. Stuck him up on the steeple of a top-notch church. Said chuck yourself off here, then started quotin’ at him, chapter and verse: “Your old man will get a bunch of angels to throw down a trampoline so you don’t even stub your toe”.

The Legend had none of that: “You wanna quote the old boy, here’s one for ya: Don’t tell me old man what to do . . . he’s the boss”.

The Turd wouldn’t give up. Took Jesus up to the top of a mountain and showed him every country and city in the world. The whole kit. “I’ll give you this lot if you cheer your guts out for me for the rest of your life”.

The Legend said, “Piss off, Turd! The old boy’s book says, ‘Cheer your guts out for God, yep, me old man, and only do what he wants’”.

Then the Turd buggered off and a heap of angels turned up and gave the Legend a pat on the back and a rub down and said you’ll be right, don’t worry about him.

When the Legend got back he found out Johnny the Bappo had been chucked in the joint. So the Legend knicked off home to Galilee. He went and bunked down near a lake, not far from Zebulun and Naphtali. Which was just what Isaiah pencilled into the old man’s book: “Hey, Zebulun and Naphtali, you mob on the way to the sea, just near the Jordan River . . . yep, Galilee where everyone’s as blind as a badger when it comes to finding out about the Legend. You lot have seen a ruddy great light”.

After that, the Legend started to let everyone know they had to get sorted, cos the kingdom of heaven was as close as a barber’s shave. The Legend was out strolling near the Sea of Galilee when he saw a couple of brothers, Simmo (nicknamed Pete) and Andy. They were pro fishermen so they were there chucking their nets in the water.

“Oi, come over here and hang out with me”, the Legend said to em. “I’ll have you fishing for men, thanks very much”. And the two of them chucked their nets down and jumped straight to it.

The three of them headed off. They bumped into another couple of brothers, Jimmy and Johnno, who were in their boat with their old man, Zed, getting the nets ready for the day. The Legend sung out to them and they hopped out of the boat and knicked off with him. Left old Zed sitting on the pine seat.

The Legend went all over the shop. Around Galilee, giving everyone the mail about the kingdom of heaven and fixing anyone who was crook. Word of these goings on got all around Syria, so the next thing you know everyone was bringin cripples and people totally off their trees to the Legend. And he fixed the lot of them. It was like the gallery at the Australian Open golf: people from everywhere were trotting behind Jesus wherever he went.

The Gospel According Matty Part 1

Back then, Johnny the bappo was hangin round the desert. He was yellin at the top of his lungs, “Sort yourselves out, cos the kingdom of heaven is only a bee’s dick away”.

I reckon Johnny was a bit like Isaiah who sang out: Gett outta the way, cos the boss of the whole set up is gunna turn up.

Johnny was a bit of a loon. His gear was camel hair and he ate insects with a bit of honey to sweeten ‘em up. But everyone from Jerusalem and Judea got themselves down to the Jordan River, told him they wanted to get sorted out. Then he dunked ‘em under water to show ‘em they were on the right track.

But he saw all types of religious goons turnin’ up and he got a bit fierce. He said, “You’re a mob of pricks. Who told you the shit was gunnna hit the fan? Act like you’re sorted out.

“And don’t think for a minute you can rest on your laurels and say Abraham’s ya old man. The Legend can take these rocks here and make ‘em into Abraham’s kids. If you don’t get yourselves sorted out, he’s gunna kick you in the arse.

“I stick this water over your noggins to sort you out. But a bloke’s gunna turn up who shits all over me. I’d be ashamed to even carry his esky. He’ll baptise ya with the Legend, fire ya right up. Put it this way: he picks the decent stuff out of the garden (I’m talkin’ about you religious goons, if you don’t know), but he’s got his box of matches in his hand and he’s gunna bang all the dead wood into the incinerator and let it rip.”

Then Jesus, the Legend himself, turned up from his hometown and said he wanted Johnny to sort him out and dunk him under water, too. Johnny said, “I need you to do that caper for me, and you’re wanting me to sort you out . . . “

Jesus said, “We’ll do it like this for now. It’s the idea, you know, so we can make sure everything’s done the right way”.

Johnny said fair enough then and stuck Jesus under the water. When Jesus came up for air, Johnny saw heaven crack open and the Legend’s Spirit sit on Jesus’s noggin like a dove.

And there was a big shout from somewhere: “This is me lad, I love him; and I’m really wrapped with the job he’s doing so far”.